Dear Darling Nikki,
I am in a situation with a guy. He messed around on me but we technically were never in a relationship. He works with the girl he messed with and sees her a lot but still has a whole lot of love for me and we still have that spark when we are together. I know I should text him more and put in more effort but I just want to know what I should do. I love him and his actions show he loves me even though he is messing with his coworker. It’s easy to say leave because there is another girl but unlike my past relationships, I am not at that point to where I feel that I’m done with him. I love myself to the fullest and I love myself more than him but I still love him. What should I do? How could I get him to come to my side so that we can be together?
Happy thoughts but scared
Dear Happy Thoughts But Scared,
I think every female at ONE time or another has been stung by a man that wandered with another woman that he had WAY TOO MUCH access too. Situations like work, school, the gym, friends with an ex, co-workers and baby momma’s can be a girlfriend’s worst nightmare.
Of course, as a female, my red flag immediately goes OFF and my first inclination is to say leave the cheating you-know-what ALONE since he still works with the girl and sees her quite frequently (like EVERY DAY) but you had some key words in your letter that make me think differently. You said you “LOVE” him so you got my FULL attention but before I get to that let’s discuss the second sentence in the letter FIRST.
You said, and I quote, “He messed around on me but we technically were never in a relationship.” If that’s the REAL DEAL then you have to let sleeping dogs lie BUT don’t let him or any man pull a JEDI-EYE MIND TRICK ON YOU. 9 times out of 10, women and men rate “relationships” differently and almost always someone is exclusive and someone is not (especially in the beginning) and this causes for a lot of hurt later on (TRUST ME GIRLFRIEND. I KNOW WHAT I AM I TALKING ABOUT IT).
BUT everyone’s situation is definitely different and your’s sounds like it might survive. In your letter you say that “his actions show he loves me even though he is messing with his coworker” and that might very well be the case. My question to you is, can you handle the fact that he sees this co-worker every day????? It can be done but you have to be STRONG and really believe in the two of you. No “ ifs,” “ands” or “buts” about it.
If you have sparks with this man and you say that he loves you then maybe you should listen to your heart and give it another try. (JUST ONE) You also stated in your letter that you “should text him more and put in more effort,” and my question is…WHY HAVEN’T YOU? Are you hesitant that he will hurt you again or are you not 100% sure that he is worth the effort?
You ask “How could I get him to come to my side so that we can be together” and that girlfriend is ALL on him. I think you have done your part by being understanding and even willing to THINK about staying around. I learned a long time ago that you cannot make a man do anything he doesn’t want to do. LET ME REPEAT THAT: You cannot make a man do anything he doesn’t want to do – maybe for a quick minute but that approach never last long. He will “come to your side” IF he is SERIOUS about YOU and not the co-worker. Don’t force it. This is a move he has to be willing to make on his own.
If you do decide to give it another try, you must:
#1- ESTABLISH the RELATIONSHIP.
Make sure that the two of you are on the same page in terms of dating other people, not dating other people, etc.
#2 – WATCH HIS ACTIONS.
See if he is a man of his word. You should be able to tell if he is serious about YOU or HER or neither of you. Remember; Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.
Nobody’s relationship is perfect. Good luck and no matter what happens, don’t give up on LOVE.