Dear Darling Nikki,
I been with my fiancée’ for 7 years and engaged for 3. Every time I bring up the marriage thing, he always has an excuse; I want to just give him his ring back and forget about our relationship but I have two kids, my mom is living with us because of her disability and I have nowhere else to turn. What should I do?
Signed No Love Here
Dear No Love Here,
Wow! You have said a mouth full. I highly recommend that you read my article EXTENDED CONTRACTS about long engagements. I think you could definitely benefit from the advice in that.
But in the meantime, I would suggest having a heart-to-heart with your man to see WHY he is dragging his feet. I mean he did give you a ring and ask for your hand in marriage so that’s a PLUS. Most sisters are still waiting for that but what I don’t understand is why your proposal was three years ago? Did he lose his job? Did you have children in between that time (your letter says you have two kids) or is that when your mom came to live with you? Something obviously happened to let this engagement go on for so long.
Other than the long engagement how is your relationship? Is he loving? Is he a good provider and father? How does he treat your mother? You really have to have a heart-to-heart talk with him to see what is REALLY going on. It sounds easy but I know it’s not. I highly recommend that you practice what you are going to say and have key talking points such as:
1.) Relationship /Marriage Discussion:
What’s going on in the relationship and how you REALLY feel.
2.) Manage His Expectations:
Give him a deadline – (For Example: I want to be married by THIS date or at least start talking about it, etc.)
If he is not willing to talk and you are at the end of your rope then you will have to make plans to BOUNCE. I can understand being reluctant with your kids and mom in tow but if he is not willing to marry you after a 3 year engagement and you have your heart’s desire on changing your name from Miss to Mrs. then you have to start making moves.
You don’t have to share this plan with the world especially since you said youdon’t have any where else to go. Start by saving money in an account that he doesn’t know about. Can your mom help out? Find out what resources there are for single moms. You might qualify for rent assistance, especially if your mother is living with you and she is disabled. You never know until you try.
A lot of women get stuck for financial reasons but that doesn’t have to be you if you plan accordingly. Even if you decide to stay and the two of you agree on a wedding date, its ALWAYS good to have your own. Every woman should be financially secure for peace of mind!
Express to your man that you have waited and you want to move forward. Hear him out and let him explain what is taking so long. If his reasons are acceptable to YOU (and when I say YOU I mean YOU- not your girlfriends, not your mother, not your co-workers but YOU) then work with him. If he could care less or his reasons are wack then you know what you have to do.
Stay Strong Sister!!!!
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